Currently Listening Hoagy Sings Carmichael By Hoagy Carmichael see related

"i think a man should smell like the inside of a baseball glove."
-steven colbert

i want some soda, but i can't walk into my kitchen right now. someone dropped a full jelly jar on the floor recently, and it bursted - consequently, there are tiny glassies all over the floor, on account of the fact that jelly and glass are the stickiest, grossest and deadliest combo since andre 3000 and big boi (is that "bowie"? "boy-ee"? "bwah"? he asks quizzically). essentially, if i go in there to get soda, i'm going to get my feet all bruce willised up, and since reggie veljohnson isn't around, i'm going to die at the end of the night when karl the crazy german hit man comes out to shoot me. (for additional information on this poorly crafted reference, die hard is on FX every sunday afternoon until the end of time)

back to the kitchen. maybe you "solution-oriented" people are wondering why i don't clean up the tiny glassies. here's the skinny on that option:

1. first of all, i didn't burst the jelly jar. that was someone else. i'm not cleaning up someone else's jelly, because that could put my health, personal safety, integrity and unsubstantiated selfish and stubborn attitude at risk.

2. it's hard.

"why don't you put some shoes on, then?" rings a shout from the back of the xangatorium. listen, encyclopedia brown - why don't you take your progressive generation m attitude and get back to whitewashing the fence? it's not going to happen - i can't even FIND my shoes. so there. put that in your ipod and smoke it. (for more information on generation m, anderson cooper 360 is on in the hartsfield atlanta airport around 2:00 am every day)

-

i found my shoes, and i went ahead and took your advice, caller. but this does NOT make us friends.

will someone buy this for me? i'm on a kick.

i have to finish reading a lecture by jaques lacan tonight. do you know who jaques lacan is? well, he's dead now, and not a lot of what he did while he was alive really makes any sense or has any purpose. ladies and gentleman - i give you college.

the twelve angry men weren't ALL angry.

seriously, though - screw jelly.

Currently Listening We Have the Facts and We're Voting Yes By Death Cab for Cutie see related

ninety-nine years underneath the ground
i can't forget the day i shot that bad bitch down.

the chef for whom i work (dodged dangling participle, suckas) got in a car accident on tuesday night. since then, he's been working the kitchen wearing a hat and sunglasses, due to the unsightly (and unappetizing) scabbage on his face. he's all right, fully functional and all, no permanent damage - which is lucky for the rest of the kitchen staff and me, because we've made every joke anyone could possibly imagine about his new look. picture, if you will, miami vice meets e.r. - with the lacerated and battered don pintabona as the shining star. we call it grey's pintabonanatomy.

i patched my favorite jeans last week, because they had a holes in some unmentionable places. only in retrospect did i realize that i'd patched them with fabric that looked like underwear. sort of defeats the purpose, i guess. then again, i suppose i don't have to wear underwear now. yesssssssssssss.

tonight, the hostess gut-checked me with a bony shoulder to the solar plextron. consequently, i feel like if i go to sleep, i'll wake up with a heart murmur, or maybe in a coma. guess i'll go read and listen to donny osmond records until i pass out and die. lol just kidding, i probably won't die.

*

... OR LISTEN TO DONNY OSMOND RECORDS. SHIT.

get the hell off my xanga. i'll be back again tomorrow.

Currently Listening De-Loused in the Comatorium By The Mars Volta see related

back in black.

i'm glad i wrote that i was "signing off" instead of "leaving for good." that would've made this transition very awkward for all three of you.

i'm almost done with college now, and my computer desktop is lauren bacall. do we have to wait until she dies to do a biopic of bogie? a bogiepic? i bet we do. that's fine. maybe she won't die for another twenty years, and then i can audition for the part. after all of my hair is gone, that is.

even closer to being done with college now than i was last paragraph. how have you been since last paragraph? man, it's been forever, right? so good to see you again. i KNOW, we were so crazy a paragraph ago... now we have jobs and families and less posting space.

i'm writing a song that i can't seem to finish. i think maybe i can't finish it because i play retarded upside down guitar. also, i'm not any good at guitar anyway. * nevertheless - the chorus goes

i'm not gonna be the nickel in the dime jar
i think i'd rather go home
and if everyone agrees
that you're worth more than me
then they can melt us down -
and we'll see for ourselves.

maybe that won't be how it goes in a couple of days, but i knew that someone out there was wondering about the progress of my clandestine songwriting career. so there you go, nosy parker.

i just saw a bunch of people i don't ever want to see again. i also saw a bunch of people i wish i could see every day. it's a very difficult thing to deal with, day to day. people of river city, heed that warning.

whew. looks like mr. goulet had one too many cherry poptarts before the show. i'm out, folks.

(but actually, i'm back.)

Currently Listening X&Y By Coldplay see related

maybe you'll get wanted
maybe you'll stumble upon it
everything you've ever wanted
in a permanent state...
maybe you'll know when you see it
maybe if you say it, you'll mean it
and when you find it, you'll keep it
in a permanent state...
a permanent state.

i'm officially signing out of the xanga circle, folks. see you soon.

matt